


Walking a Tightrope

by syredronning



Series: Draws [9]
Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Age Difference, Kinky, M/M, Multi, Physical Disability, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-08
Updated: 2010-09-08
Packaged: 2017-10-11 14:38:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syredronning/pseuds/syredronning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The prince gets the princess and they live happily ever after. That's how a love story should be. Unfortunately, Pike never received a sensible briefing on such a situation. Also, nobody ever said something about two more princes and other associated people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walking a Tightrope

**Author's Note:**

> This is the direct sequel to [Fire Dancing](http://syredronning.livejournal.com/1262722.html).
> 
> Thanks for the lightning-fast beta goes to cupidandpsycho! All remaining flaws are solely mine.

It's not how Pike thought his stay in rehab would end, as he's moved back to Starfleet Medical early on the next morning, the medical staff whirling around his anti-grav stretcher like a flock of shocked birds since the moment someone caught on his irregular brain patterns.

Guess someone should've told him that he's too fragile for a love affair now, although he could truthfully answer the question about his nightly activities with "nothing strenuous" because Dael and he had been so absorbed in their wondrous first exploration that actual sex just didn't happen. They had parted and gone to their respective rooms, unwilling to share their newfound love with the rest of the institution. A decision Pike definitely regrets this morning. Who knows if he ever gets another chance to hold her.

"It's nothing serious," he says soothingly and determined to lie through his teeth when Dael meets them in the corridor, eyes wide in her pale face. He clasps her hand.

"I could come with you, sir," she says in a strained voice and looks at the doctors in question.

"Better not. Check out as originally planned. I'll get some transport arranged for all of our stuff. Especially the dioramas. I'll contact you later for details." He reaches out with one trembling arm and pulls her head closer, placing another kiss on her forehead. "Love you," he whispers with the last scraps of Romulan he remembers and she mirrors the same words back at him; then he's moved away to the beam point.

Seeing Doctor Anumanchi shaking her head when he materializes doesn't really reduce his apprehension, but the lengthy lecture on how taking off the medical bracelet that is supposed to track his brain patterns _and_ avoiding regular meals and several prescribed shots for two days will be the surest way to get him back under the neural stabilizer gets a little drowned in the memories of the evening before.

_Her touch on his skin, the taste of her kiss on his lips. Running his fingertips over her skinny chest and each pronounced rib. Cupping her chin for another kiss and stroking through her hair when she leans her head on his shoulder at last, both sleepy and aching from the damn hard floor of the conservatory. _

"I'm sorry," he interrupts the doctor's tirade and opens his eyes. "It won't happen again."

"It better not," Anumanchi scowls, reminding him of McCoy. "I had the impression you had something worth living for, so if that's the case, you should damn well know that this isn't some kind of game. Your health isn't self-sustaining anymore. It's either you taking care of yourself, or you ending up in nursing care, and I don't think you would want that."

"You're correct. I apologize for my poor cooperation."

"Good." She looks a little appeased. "I've had a look at the first data, and it's not as bad as it could be, but I'd still like to put you under the neural stabilizer for at least two days, and another day or two of supervision here."

"Can I take my voice-controlled comm with me?" is all he asks resigned. "I've got several calls to make."

"You can take it with you, but for the next two days, we'd like to keep you under sedation."

Pike sighs. "Understood. I need to make three calls now, but those are really important."

The doctor nods. "Make it short, sir."

The first call goes to Dael. As expected, he has to leave her a message.

_I'll be out of order for two days and then stuck here for another few. Please contact Nastasha Winston ex. Solvay regarding the transport of our things and everything else. She's a very old friend of mine, you can trust her. Her number is… I'll call you again as soon as I can. Christopher. _

Then he calls his assistant, briefing her that he's back in San Francisco, though not quite in the way it was planned. She's got to inform Nogura about his situation and to arrange the transport of all the technical equipment that has piled up in his rehab room, including securing all his PADDs.

At last he calls Natasha, the only person who's got the key codes to both his apartments, extremely glad when he reaches her right away.

"Nat – Chris here. I need your help. I'm back in hospital as an emergency. It's not too bad, I'll survive, but I had to leave all my personal belongings in the rehab."

"And now you need me to organize the transport?" Nat answers matter-of-factly. _Gotta love a good Academy education when it comes to emergencies. _

"Exactly. Not just for me but also for Dael. You remember the cadet?"

"Sure. She's also been there?"

"Uh, yes. And she's my – well, lover. It's very new and I'll explain the whole story when I've got time, but right now they're already waiting to knock me out. It's complicated."

"Your lover?" Nat asks incredulously.

"Yes. I told her to contact you and I hope that was okay because we just got together last night and she was quite shocked when they took me away this morning, so…ah, hell," Pike says a little desperately when he sees the disbelieving and frowning expression on her face. "Nat, please make sure that she's okay and gets back to San Francisco without problems. I'll cover all expenses but you'd really do me a gigantic favor with keeping in touch with her while I'm out for two days."

"If it's that important to you, I'll do it. Of course, Chris," Nat replies. "I'll take care of her."

"Thank you." Pike feels a large weight being removed from his shoulders. "Thank you so much."

She smiles a little, for the first time in this call. "Take care, Chris. Talk to you in two days."

When Nat signs off, Anumanchi comes back into the room. "Ready, sir?"

"Ready," Pike says. Half an hour later, he's on the table and actually a little relieved when they knock him out – at least it's better than to stress out about a situation he can't change right now. He just hopes Nat and Dael get along.

*

When Pike slowly comes out of the sedation, he's only two days older but it feels like twenty years, because everything is stiff and aching. He's still in the stabilizer and the lights are low, it has to be in the middle of the night. Someone comes looking after him and he gets something to drink, then is left along again.

It gives him some time to think about Dael and how completely irrational all of this is, until sleep catches up with him once more.

When he wakes up in the morning, he's still stiff and aching and desperately hopes Anumanchi would soon show up to release him from this table. They call it a bed, of course, but it's hard and flat and he's tied to it, so it's definitely a fucking table to him. With a sigh he glances towards the door, catching someone folded on the chair next to it.

"Christopher," Dael says immediately, and then she walks right into his limited view range, her face unusually white from the cover makeup he hasn't seen on her for quite a while. Her hand is warm as it catches his, and he takes a deep breath as a bunch of emotions threaten to drown him.

"Dael." He tightly clutches her hand, relieved to find that at least the coordination in his arms is just fine. "Did the transfer work well? Is everything back here?"

"Yes, your friend Natasha came to pick me up with a flyer. I helped her pack your private belongings and she took me back with her."

"Good." His fingers cradle hers, and it's possibly one of the most erotic touches he's ever felt.

It also reminds him that they badly need to talk.

"Dael – I had some time to think. Not much, but enough to know that if we start something, there will be problems. Lots of pressure to face for both of us."

"There might be." Her eyes are unreadable in her white face. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No." His chest aches, and not just from the stretched-out position. He knows what he wants, but he's not sure what she wants, if she still wants this, and he's going to give her the chance to back out now gracefully. When nothing serious by most people's standard had happened so far, just an hour or two of stolen time, touching and kissing - they hadn't even really lost their clothes.

"No. I just wanted to say… we can still end it here. Well, maybe I can't because I can't imagine being without you, now that I allowed my imagination to go there at all. But if we see it through, I'll be forced to step down as your academic advisor and inform Nogura, and he'll undoubtedly inform your instructors. Many will know about us, Dael. There might be repercussions."

"You mean, from those instructors who were suddenly a lot more supportive once your name turned up?" She gives him an aslope smile. "You have a certain reputation."

"I'm not always a nice guy," Pike admits. "As you may have noticed."

She shrugs. "I've heard some stories about you but that was already after getting to know you a little better. You were never anything but polite to me."

"Happy to hear that." He squeezes her hand.

"I want to be with you," Dael says quietly, seriously. "I won't demand that you change your life for me. I know you love them. I don't want to take anything away from them, but I'd want to be with you as long as you want me to."

"I want to be with you, too." God, how much he wishes he could fucking move. "Come here," he says, beckoning her to draw closer so that he could kiss her. Just his luck that the door opens and Anumanchi walks in on them, putting an abrupt end to all the things he'd still want to say.

The doctor eyes the scene without obvious reaction, just stating professionally that the admiral is due for a checkup and that his visitor should return tomorrow. Only when Dael is out of the door, Anumanchi gives him a critical gaze. "Seducing cadets? I thought there were regulations against it."

"I know. That's why I've got to call Nogura later." Pike tries to watch her actions, but she's outside his range of sight. "No need to tell McCoy, I'll do so myself."

There's a little grunted noise above his head. "Your relationship is not my business," the disembodied voice says, before the woman walks around him, slightly leaning over him to press a few buttons on the stabilizer's panel. "But McCoy's a good man, and a good friend of mine," she adds with a serious gaze. "I hope you know what you're doing."

"I hope that too," Pike says and closes his eyes.

*

Farnham is angry, no doubt about that. "I can't believe what you do. Cut that shit, man. I start to get nervous every time I get a call from Nat or Starfleet," he snaps the second he's through the door around midday.

"I'm sorry. It's was my fault this time," Pike says appeasing, still flat on his back, wishing he'd be out of that damn medical bondage yet.

"The desert was your fault too. Riding out with a beginner without checking the weather forecast and with no emergency fallback plan. You made a lot of errors due to carelessness that day."

_Ouch - but not a completely unjust accusation._ "Guess you're right," Pike relents.

"Dammit, don't just nod and agree with all I say, it makes me suspect your brain works less well than Nat told me." Farnham gives him the once-over. "How are you doing?"

"Actually rather fine. This is mostly a preemptive measure. I don't have any new symptoms."

"Good." Farnham takes a seat next to Pike's bed. "How's the kid?"

"Are you talking about Dael? She's fine. Attending some second semester classes today." Pike can't hide a smile. Just saying her name makes him happy.

"So – you did it?"

"Uh, we didn't do a lot so far, but we intend to."

"No kissing yet? No petting? No hands on her scrawny ass?"

"Ah well." Pike can feel his cheeks warming a little.

"I see," Farnham says ironically. "_Not much_, right." He shakes his head. "I saw it coming for a while but I just couldn't believe that the same man who wouldn't even try out Orion women on my recommendation would fall for a girl her age. Guess her look helps, doesn't it? She wouldn't have a problem to pass as a boy."

"Guess not, but it's about her, not her gender."

"You say that now. We'll talk about that in a month or two." Farnham shrugs.

Pike holds out his hand. "I'm sorry, John."

"Maybe you think you should be, but you're not," Farnham says without accepting his peace offer, the ironic little smile firmly in place. "So does that make you unavailable for sex in the future?"

"I have no clue," Pike says. "Ask me in a month or two."

"Fine. I'll give you a call," Farnham replies. He gets up and places a kiss on Pike's forehead, brief and dry. "See you around."

Pike closes his eyes as the door swooshes shut, the metallic taste of regret on his tongue.

*

Recording from Capt. James T. Kirk, Enterprise to Adm. Pike, SF HQ, Earth

_"Chris, you're a great but also rather blind man at times,"_ starts Kirk's recording, with Jim's smiling face filling the screen. _"If you ever listened to your own recordings, you'd have noticed how much her name turned up right from the beginning. It was part of why I kept in contact with her – I badly wanted to know if she'd be right for you. Yes, I can be protective as well, and given that we're the reason that your love life got turned upside down over the last year, we feel a little responsible for your well-being. I'm damn glad to hear you finally got together. _

_"Regarding Bones – he won't kill you, I promise. We've talked about the possibility a few times, and while I don't deny that he's not as happy about it as I am, he loves you too much not to agree that you need someone on Earth. And he can't dislike anyone who's proven that she'll look after you. So send him a recording or tell him yourself. I won't say a word." _

_"As for me and Dael…"_ Kirk hesitates. _"I really like her a lot and we speak once in a while. But I see her as your girl, so whatever might happen in the future – you've got veto rights. We never talked about that as it was never a point between us so far, but Bones has a veto right and you've got that too in principle, especially when it comes to her. You're too important to me to fuck anything up. You're too important to both of us. _

_"I'm so happy for you and I hope all works out with the two of you. Take care. I love you. Jim." _

Veto rights, interesting concept, Pike thinks. Something to consider when they actually meet. Right now he feels so strongly about her that he can't imagine sharing her with anyone, but it's not really his decision.

It's not as if he _owns_ her.

*

Natasha comes to visit him, and he expects a lengthy lecture - but none comes.

"You wanted Kirk and McCoy, and you got them and it was the right decision at that time. I have no clue why you want her – or for the matter, why she obviously wants you – but I'll just try to accept it," is all she states once she's seated next to him.

"Sounds fatalistic," Pike says. He's in bed again after having been up for some hours; the meds kill him a little.

Nat shrugs. "You made your decision. So it's sink or swim for everyone else, right?"

"Essentially, yes."

"Then there's nothing more to say about it." She brushes her hair over her shoulder. "By the way, Barnett is here too. On the fourth floor."

Pike jerks up his head. "Why?

"It's not official, but it's an open secret - Xenopolycythemia."

Pike feels his chest tighten. For all the trouble he had with Barnett over the last few months, they've known each other for ages, and it's an illness he wouldn't wish on his enemies - only a few selected maybe. "Shit. That's practically a death sentence."

"Yes." They sit in silence for a moment. "When are you going to be released?" Nat asks.

"Tomorrow, I hope." Pike's thoughts are still with Barnett. "Guess I should visit him."

"Yes, you should," Nat agrees. "I'm in town. Give me a call if you need anything else over the next days."

"You're the best, Nat. Thank you so much."

"Glad to know I don't only get on your nerves," she replies with a strange smile, then leaves.

An hour later he knows what he needs and gives her a call about it. It arrives two hours later.

*

"Knock-knock," Pike says after a real knock when he opens the door to Barnett's room in the evening. "Hello, Richard." The room is empty besides the occupant, so he walks in, a flat rectangular box in his hands. Barnett lays in bed, seated with his back a little upright, staring at the opposite wall with rather empty eyes, the face haggard.

He doesn't look good at all, in Pike's opinion.

"Pike." Barnett stares at him as if he sees him for the very first time. "Heard you were in here too. What do you want, celebrate your victory?"

Pike shakes his head. "I was reminded that life's too damn short to ride out petty disagreements." He gives him the box. "Got some of your favorite sweets for you, thought you'd like them."

Barnett automatically takes the gift, still a little distrustful. When he opens the cover, he gasps. "Vulcan almonds! Damn, they've got to be worth a fortune."

"I had them at home since before the Narada," Pike says. "Wanted to give them to you forever, but somehow I never managed. I heard they get better with time."

"They do, they do." Barnett gives him a sad grin. "Unlike old men like us..." He takes a deep breath, then reaches out to his visitor. "I'm happy to see you, Chris," he says with a tremor in his voice. "Really happy." They hug each other.

"I heard it's been a close call for you," Barnett says.

"Very close," Pike agrees and takes a seat on a chair next to the bed.

"How's the prognosis?" Barnett asks.

Pike shrugs. "It's hard to predict something that they don't understand."

"At least you're walking again."

"For now, but I consider it bought time."

"Still better than I do," Barnett says self-ironically. "I basically have an expiration date on my forehead."

"How long have you known?"

"For almost six months. And yeah -" Barnett smiles sadly, "I admit that sometimes I felt annoyed by you just for the way you seemed to be invincible. You were like Phoenix out of the ashes, suddenly taking up your career again and starting new relationships, while I could hear my inner timer counting down."

Pike shakes his head, sharing his colleague's sad smile. "I'm not invincible, far from it. One little mistake, and I end up in the neural stabilizer for two days. Great prospects for the future."

Barnett nods. "Still – I heard some rumors. You and your cadet…? Your _female_ cadet?"

"It's true," Pike states, a little wary of another dispute, but Barnett only laughs, and it sounds genuine, without any condemnation.

"Of all the strange things you've done in your life, hooking up with a sexy young girl is probably the most common thing! Getting settled down at last?" Barnett twinkles. "What about Kirk and McCoy?"

"Still my partners."

Barnett rubs his chin, hiding a smile. "I never got your lifestyle, really I don't, but I guess I don't have to. This sounds like a rather complicated relationship and I don't envy you for it."

"We'll see how it will develop," Pike says. "As I said – it's all bought time in my eyes. I might as well enjoy my life as long as I can."

There's a moment of silence, in which Barnett looks down on the closed box. "Before your accident, you attended some receptions," he changes the theme. "Heard you were talking to various interested parties about the Borg." He looks up again, meeting Pike's gaze.

"Do you think we'll have a war on our hands in the future?"

"Not if we're faster," Pike says simply.

"That bad? It's us or them?"

"Yes."

"Do they at least have some opera?" Barnett tries to joke but sighs as he sees it falling flat with Pike. "Just when we thought the universe had no more surprises for us."

"It will always surprise us," Pike says, the memories of a large, dark, tentacled ship on the front screen of the Enterprise suddenly drifting through his mind. "Always."

There's a knock on the door, and a nurse pokes in her head. "Sorry, sir, it's time for the admiral's checkup…"

"Please give us two more minutes," Barnett says, and she leaves again.

"I'll be probably discharged tomorrow," Pike says. "How about you?"

"In a week maybe, or maybe not. Who knows." Barnett shrugs. His hands reverently cradle the box of sweets. "They are priceless. Sure you want to give them to a dying man?"

"They were always for you. Enjoy them, Richard." Pike gets up and shakes Barnett's hand once more, wishing he could warm those cold, stiff fingers. "We'll keep in touch."

"Yes, we will." Barnett sighs softly. "Take care, Chris."

With a heavy heart, Pike leaves the room, stopping at the next best window in the corridor to look out into the night.

_Fuck._ He squeezes his eyes shut as he heavily leans against the window sill.

_Fuck._

*

Like hoped, he's discharged on the next day. As Dael won't be able to join him before six the next evening, it leaves him with almost two long days in reach of his console.

It also means he's got no more excuses for not calling the doc. The _Enterprise_ is close to a star base, a real time transmission would be costly but manageable. He sends a priority message first, suggesting a time, and it's soon acknowledged.

Heaving a last deep breath, Pike leans back in the chair of his small home office and opens the connection in time.

"Hello, doc," he says, a little stiffly because he's nervous, and also because talking to McCoy in private and not about his health has been quite rare over the last weeks. The doc seems to sit in his sickbay office, and his expression is concerned.

"Chris – I hope this call isn't about any new health troubles."

"No. It's about Dael." Pike lets the name sink in for a moment. "My relationship with Dael."

"Ah." There's a brief pause before McCoy continues, "Can't say it's unexpected."

"For nobody but me, obviously." Pike smiles aslope.

McCoy tilts his head, not mirroring the smile.

"I wanted to tell you in person, because it's important to me that you are okay with this."

"As if my opinion would change anything," McCoy says, easing the statement with a light smile at last. "I knew it would happen. Still wish it would've been someone older, because she's a kid in my eyes, but I'm glad you found someone on Earth. I've been worried about you."

"Probably for all the right reasons," Pike admits. "Missed you, doc, and still do. She's no substitute for either of you but she's good for me. We've spent so much time together over the last months, and I was never once bored. She's challenging me in all the right ways. She makes me happy."

"Yeah, I could hear that between the lines of your recordings." McCoy sighs a little, rotating in his chair.

"I wish this wouldn't feel so strange," Pike says throatily. All he really wants to have is McCoy in this room to make love to him, but here he sits and speaks about a love that feels so different, for all the similarly intense emotions that accompany it.

"Do I do the right thing? One the one hand, I'm so sure about it, and on the other… The few times I was in a relationship, it was exclusive while it lasted. Then I met you, and the rules were laid out, you two were together and I was the addition but still free to seek out others. Now… what do we have now? I read some articles and skimmed a few discussions. I'm not even sure yet what exactly Dael and I will have, and I don't know how it will work together with what we have."

McCoy nods. "Nobody knows, Chris. I can tell you, no matter how much experience you gain with all that relationship shit, it'll never get really easy." Then he leans forward. "Don't think too much about it. That's something I learned the hard way – with you."

"With me?" Pike asks a little confused.

"Before you, everyone else Jim or I dated was some short-lived distraction. All perfectly clean and neat and limited, nothing to worry about the next day. But you aren't a safe option, Chris. You rattled the relationship between Jim and me quite a bit."

"I didn't realize that." Pike shakes his head. "I never wanted to do that."

"Strong emotions will do things to everyone," McCoy says. "You got under our skin more than anyone else." McCoy's jaw visibly tightens. "Under my skin especially."

"I know. It's the same here," Pike replies quietly.

"And now you've got Dael, and while she seems to be really good for you, I still have moments in which I'm egoistic and wish you'd be out here with us."

"Nice dream," Pike says solemnly, "but more than unlikely, now that my health is instable like shit."

"It will get better."

"Don't promise things you can't keep."

"Where is she now?" McCoy asks without transition.

"Away for two days, on an introductory trip. Should be here by tomorrow evening."

McCoy nods, a forced smile around his lips. "Try to be as good for her as she's for you. I'll give you hell if you fuck it up."

"You can line up with a row of people there."

"So you better get it right."

"I intend to." Pike curls his hands in his lap. "I love her. It's so strange to say that, because she's nothing I'd ever have thought of, but every minute with her is something special. I don't know how long it will last but until then, I want to be with her."

"Good." McCoy leans forward in his chair, hands loosely on the table. "I need to sign off. Take care, Chris. I still love you, don't think you'll get rid of me so easily. Glad to know you'll be happy even when I'm not on Earth to give you some much-needed therapeutic intervention." It's a lame joke, but Pike gives McCoy points for trying.

"Love you too," Pike says and then the connection ends. Like always the word sounds much too meager compared to his unbelievably deep feelings for the man. It's one of his biggest concerns that some part of him wants Dael just to fill the gaping hole the _Enterprise_ men leave behind each time. On the other hand, John had offered and he hadn't taken it up, although it would've been so easy.

Shaking the thoughts off, Pike pulls himself out of the chair and starts cleaning his apartment, determined to get it as presentable as possible after months of absence.

*

The next morning, Pike goes to see Nogura in the admiralty. He's still on sick leave this week and out of uniform, but many people recognize him and exchange a few words with him, inquiring about his health. He's glad he's come well in time for his appointment, and happily escapes further questions by withdrawing into the restroom.

After splashing some water in his face, Pike critically eyes himself in the mirror as he wipes it off. There's too much grey in his hair and too many wrinkles in his face, and no doubt there'd be many people assuming that he's trying to fight a midlife crisis by taking a young lover.

_If anything, it's a Narada crisis. _

Pike is determined not to fall into the "I'm getting old" tirade so many of his peers enjoy. He gets older but not _old_, which is more than just an age written in a file to him. He'd do his utmost to avoid thinking himself older than he's got to be.

The door opens, and he half-turns to look at the newcomer as suddenly his left knee gives in. He barely prevents a fall by catching himself on the washbasin.

The other man is at his side in a second. "Everything all right, sir?" the lieutenant asks concerned.

"Yes, thank you." Pike takes a deep breath. "Just a momentary lapse." He dismisses the man's offer for further help and leaves the restroom, inwardly more shaken than he lets on. He's used to falling during strenuous trainings, he's prepared for that, but not once has the coordination in one leg failed like this, out of the blue.

Pike tensely walks down the corridor to Nogura's office with one hand near the wall, concentrating on every move. All seems to be fine, and so he finally steps in front of the office door, straightening his back. Had to be his nerves, Pike thinks, because he's definitely not looking forward to this particular meeting. He fingers the medical bracelet he's always wearing on his left wrist now, loosely wondering if the data showed anything.

It's a long thirty minutes in Nogura's office.

*

He falls asleep on his couch the second he sits down on it in the late afternoon.

All is neat and clean and he's been agonizing over what food he should buy and which tea she likes. He's put everything away that looked too much like kink and placed lube, condoms and medical gloves on a strategic spot on his nightstand. He's changed the beddings and closed the sunblind which is usually open. There are candles with and without scent although he rather likes fresh air, and he's checked if his lights still delivered the 'cozy atmosphere' setting. He's showered and shaven and has spent an hour on the question of what he should wear, until he settles with simple black pants and a black silk shirt. He feels like first dates must feel – only, that he's never had one before.

In every other relationship, it had been sex first, relationship later. Not once he'd managed what other people seem to have in terms of a romantic start. He'd never sat on a couch like this, dressed up and waiting for the person of his heart's desire – and frankly, he doesn't need that too often in his life, because he thinks it's a rather stressful situation.

And then he falls asleep because the medication really takes a toll on his body, and he regrets it strongly when the door bell rings, because now he's sleepy and nervous and just not _cool_.

When he opens the door and stares into Dael's face, he's almost unable to believe she's really here.

She cocks her head as he doesn't move. "Will you let me in?"

"Ah – yes." He sidesteps and lets her pass. When the door is closed, they face each other. She looks gorgeous, all in black too, her hair a little wilder than usual because of the current breeze outside, her face a little blushed under the tattoos. He could make time by offering her something to drink, doing some small talk. Maybe that would be considered good style if he did but someone must've displaced his edition of "_A First Date Handbook for the Mature Single_" and hers too, because she draws closer to him. The movement is enough to bring down the last of his inhibitions, and he launches forward, all but throwing his arms around her and pulling her into an embrace and a kiss that lasts for eternity and is answered with all the intensity he could ask for. When they break it, it's only to start making out right on the spot, as if every step could end the magic.

"You're here. You're really here," he murmurs into her ear between kisses, his hands pulling her groin against his. He should be nervous but that would need his brain and that is currently out of order.

"Where else would I be?" she says, a light smile playing on her lips. "You feel so good. So strong."

"Says my tough cadet," Pike mutters, instantly regretting it. But her smile only deepens.

"Some call me _Pike's cadet_, and I don't mind, sir." She's got dimples when she smiles like this, right next to some of the lines, producing interesting new patterns on her cheeks.

"My admiral…" Her hands pull the silk shirt out of his pants and slip underneath it, caressing his skin. He's barely able to breath, melting into the touch. One of his hands cups her head, brushing upwards until his fingers rest in the spiky hairdo, turning it into utter chaos. He'd wanted to mess with her hair for so damn long.

"So beautiful," he whispers, kissing her face all over again.

Somehow they move, he's not sure how, but next time he's really able to think again, they're undressed and on the bed. He's up on his left elbow because that gives him a better look at her, and his hand is on her chest, stroking down the patterns. For a moment, she just lays back and grants him his moment of reverent adoration of her body. She's an anatomy study, all angular, the sinews visible and the muscles smooth. She's so skinny compared to everyone else's he'd ever had his hands on, so _different_, that her actual gender seems unimportant compared to it. He runs his hands down her upper legs, almost touching her groin, but not yet.

His moment is gone, and she reaches out and starts an exploration of her own. Her fingers are feathery-light when they caress his skin, run through his chest hair down to his navel, over his hips and up to his shoulder again. They ease up to his neck, stroking his hair line, wander to the front down his throat and up to his lips again.

He pulls her close, lacing their legs together and kisses her again. Her lips are incredibly small and soft and the skin around so incredibly smooth. She tastes unnaturally fresh, a little of toothpaste, but he also remembers her taste in the observatory, of dinner and fruit tea. Her tongue dips into his mouth, taking on an exploration of its own, meeting his tongue in the middle. It makes his blood rush all down, and she smiles against him as his growing erection presses against her leg. A hand settles on it, and he gasps on the touch. He's not been sure how she'd handle a penis with what looked like an all-lesbian past but she definitely doesn't have a problem with his genitals. He's not yet sure the same can be said of him.

"I love to feel it," she whispers. "Love to know that you get hard for me." Her fingers run along its length, stroking it gently. He whimpers a little, it's unbelievable how he's putty under her touch. Her fingers leave his dick again, and she pulls him into a strong embrace, her hand on his ass, her body slightly rocking against him.

"Love you so much," she says, and it takes his breath away the way it makes him feel, the incredible warmth that fills all of him, the way he wants to melt into her, become one with her.

Some part of him knows that this is what he could feel with the doc if they ever really went there, leave the secure layer of rough actions and dirty words and dip into the lava beneath it, but that would mean facing the consequences. Here with Dael, there isn't a secure layer and it's like free falling, no security net, no excuses, no limits. He can just feel, and it blows his mind away.

"It's all right," she whispers, pulling his suddenly trembling body closer. "I'm here. All is good."

He swallows hard, trying to get himself under control. He's not used to this, _holy damn_, he's not sure he'll ever get used to it, feeling so bare - so vulnerable. And still so much at peace.

"It's all okay." She cradles his head and pulls his face closer to her, sweeping her tongue over the skin below his eyes, catching a tear he hasn't felt running. He inhales deeply and gets a hold on himself at last.

He's taking control and delving into the physical because it's what he knows to handle. He gently rolls her onto her back, cradling above her, kissing and stroking the length of her body down to her sex. There's a minute hesitation before his fingers run over her mons, stroke along her tiny labia. She spreads her legs farther, as much as she can with him kneeling over her, and encouraged he explores her a little more. The smell does nothing for him – he's not going to think of stronger adjectives – but she feels good to the touch. Her clit is well-visible and a pulsing red, and when he slips one finger into her, it finds a slick warmth. He's read up on female anatomy and what G-spots are supposed to be, and watched a hetero porn or three for research, but when he's unromantically honest, it comes down to _a hole is a hole_ and so far, his erection has the same opinion. Adding a second finger, he's testing the waters. He kneels over her, his supporting hand next to her on the bed, and steals a kiss from her lips as he fakes intercourse with finger-fucking, his thumb on her clit, eyeing her body language for any discomfort.

She strokes through his hair with a quiet laugh and then a moan, when he finds a better angle. "I'm not averse to penetration."

"Glad to hear that," he says and places a few kisses on her neck. "I'm not averse either, in any direction."

"But I only come by clit stimulation," she adds, sounding almost apologetic. Not a tone he wants to hear.

"I'm sure we'll find a satisfying solution – for everyone – involved," he mutters while teasing her nipples with his lips and teeth, proud when they stand out from her flat chest at last, hard and wet from his spit.

"And before you ask, I'm on contraception and got a clean health bill."

"Good to know," he says, blushing a little because he probably wouldn't have asked about the first but is glad that she thought of that. The latter is standard for Starfleet members.

It means he could go on without breaking his stride, and makes good use of his freedom. Seeing her coming undone under his touch is incredibly wonderful and he's putting all of his heart into delaying the sexual act, although his dick is rather opinionated by now.

"Come on, do it," she gasps at last, and he's a tiny little smug that he would have been able to outlast her. Once he slips into her, though, in good old traditional tested-and-tried missionary style, his smugness is wiped away from the mind-blowing feel and the realization that they're really here and doing it and she's his and he's hers and it's perfect, perfect, perfect.

She moves against him and he joins into the movement with a moan. They settle into a rather frantic rhythm, too much foreplay, too much waiting - _months, fucking hell_ – and it's still perfect and he bends forward and covers her body as he rocks into her, feeling his ass clench, his legs tremble. He's sure on a screen somewhere on the other side of the city his medical bracelet's data goes all up in spikes and he could only hope they won't send an intervention team because this is one of the best moments in his life and if it's going to be his last, then be it so. But nothing happens while they keep moving, nobody overriding his door, nobody beaming into his bedroom, it's just her and him.

Soon he can see she's almost there but not really yet, and he decides to do something about it. He has no illusions about coming at the same time; only in novels it works without effort, and given that they are both sailing in rather uncharted territory right now wouldn't make it one bit easier. He settles back on his heels, stilling his movements with much effort.

"Touch yourself," he says breathlessly, and after a moment of hesitation, her fingers delve between her legs, rotating round the red, blood-filled clit. A hot flush runs through him as he watches her movements, trying to memorize the gist of it for the next time he'll put his own fingers there.

"Move," she demands in a hush, and so he starts moving again, slowly and on the edge of his self-control. She arches a little into his movements, her features flushing further, her breathing quickening. He goes on for a while, but then abruptly halts as he realizes he won't make it as long as it would take her.

"I'll come any second," he gasps.

"Then come." She opens her eyes, first looking down between her legs, then up at him to meet his eyes. "Come for me, Christopher."

There goes the last shred of control and he makes two more pushes before he comes so hard that he's seeing stars, pumping into her with abandon with his full length, feeling it getting slicker and slicker with every spurt. When he's wrung out, he pulls back and scoots down on her. Her natural scent might do nothing for him, but lapping his own come out of her is all degrees of hot and he fucks her with his tongue while above him, her fingers settle into a breathtakingly quick rhythm. Then she suddenly cries out and arches, her pelvis jerking up from the bed, once, twice, and he moves a little away and watches her ride it out for quite a while, one finger dipping a little inside, the palm and the other fingers building a cover on her sex, doing some more slow circles before she sags back on the bed.

He crawls up and next to her, pulling her into his arms. "You're so beautiful when you come," he whispers. "Love you so much. Love you." She sighs and wiggles into his embrace, obviously still quite unable to speak. He fetches the blanket, covering them both with it.

"Wonderful darling," he says, curling around her because that's the closest he could come to melting into her, her still racing heart beat pulsing against his own chest, her body glowing and on her face, a beauteous little smile.

One of his best days of his life.

*

"When did you know that you had feelings for me?" he asks later, after a long shower together, when she lies in his arm once more.

She takes some time to think before she answers, "I think there were two phases. The first major turning point was after the accident on the _Aurora_. I was so nervous how you'd react about the tattoos – I knew how badly you reacted when you saw them in your barely conscious state. I expected you to hate me and end your mentorship, but you didn't. That was the moment I started to really trust you. I started to rely on you. I was glad for your support that always felt like an offer, never like an obligation. You didn't make me feel as if I would be a failure without you." There's a frown on her face as she obviously draws from memories, and it makes him want to caress it away.

"The second phase… it started when you went to rehab. You remember when I left you in hospital with barely a good-bye?"

"Yes, I do," Pike replies, surprised when the sting he'd felt back then suddenly returns as a faint echo.

"Roxanne, a friend of mine, had harped on me all morning about how stupid I was to invest so much time and emotion in you. She read me the riot act. That you can't possibly care about me, that you're gay and decades older and that it's all wrong. That I'm just looking for a father figure, that I should get over my obvious crush for you and stop making an ass of myself." Dael sighs. "A lot of her words hit home. When I came to see you, they spun in my head, and every friendly smile you gave me just seemed to underline her words that you like me but that there'd never be anything more. I wouldn't register on your radar – and frankly, a part of me wasn't sure if I really wanted more. My few encounters with men were less than satisfying and so I had decided they just didn't do anything for me."

Pike nods. "But three weeks later, you came to see me. What made you change your mind?"

"I missed your presence. There were moments when I sat with friends and discussed something, and thought that I'd love to know your opinion about it - and then thought that I could never again have such discussions with you, because I had run away like a coward. It felt like I betrayed the friendship that had developed between us. So I decided to give it another try. I wouldn't have been surprised if you had pushed me away but you didn't. You wouldn't believe how relieved I was about that." She curls in his embrace, cuddling closer.

"Then they maneuvered me into therapy. Of course I noticed what was going on, but I was really exhausted after the semester and the rehab gave me space to be with you without having the demands of the Academy on our backs. We spent so much time together, and it felt wonderful, but I still hadn't a clue what I really wanted from you, if it was really just a crush. Then we started these hand-to-hand fights – it's such a damn cliché –" Dael definitely whines a little, -"but we touched and I noticed how good you feel. You've got wonderful hands and a wonderful body. You used your strength but you never overpowered me. I never felt threatened by you."

The statement makes Pike tighten his hold on her shoulder, pulling her a little closer.

"It was fun, it was safe, and from a certain point on… I got turned on. I'm really glad my equivalent of a hard-on is invisible." She smiles at him, easy and relaxed and with love in her eyes. It's an expression he'd give a lot for to see it every day of his future.

"It still left me without a clue if _you_ wanted anything more from me, and from the way you behaved over the dioramas, I concluded that you badly missed your lovers but that you never once gave a thought to the possibility of me becoming anything else but your protégée. And that you were resentful over them sending me a diorama too. That night you pushed me away, and while I had feared it would happen, it was so hard to take. When you closed everyone off over the next days, it was even worse because several people came to me and tried to console me by saying that I'd be better off without you anyway. I hated this so much. They seemed to think I needed protection from you, that you were some kind of big, ugly, child-seducing pervert and I was the sweet little virgin. Oh _fuck_ this attitude," Dael snarls with a verve Pike had rarely seen from her.

"None of these people was around when I _really_ would have needed help in my life. So they shouldn't try to manage my life for me when I'm finally in the position to make my own decisions. I knew what I wanted, and that was you, with all consequences, and I was heart-broken when I thought that you'd always be out of my reach. I wasn't even sure if our friendship would survive this – I wasn't sure if I'd be able to sit in your office without my feelings written all over my face. Which was the last thing I wanted, making you uncomfortable by having to face a love-sick cadet." She sighs, a sound that touches Pike deeply. So many moments where the development could have gone wrong, and then they'd never have been together like tonight. A terrible thought.

"I gave up and accepted that it was over, but then Doctor Will talked to me. She didn't actually say much - mostly that you hadn't had dinner and that she'd heard you were in the observatory and that maybe you'd be in need of company. I tried to tell her that you may need company but definitely not _my_ company, but she tricked me into promising I'd look after you." She shakes her head with a light smile. "You know the rest…"

He kisses her, long and tender. "Guess we should send her a card," he says after a while. "Although her actions aren't indisputable. It could have been the wrong advice."

"I admire her for giving it," Dael says. "Because it was the push we both needed." Her hand drifts over his chest. "I love you so much. Even if it were for all the wrong reasons, so what? It's still love, and it's a beautiful feeling."

"So what…yeah," he echoes, thinking of the risk he takes with the doc and of the repercussions this relationship might have on both their lives and careers. But he agrees, it's love, and to have her here in his arms is worth it all.

"What about you?" Dael asks. "When did you start to feel something for me?"

"You were something special to me right from the beginning. I never had a female protégée before, but I felt connected through that current of queer and strange in you." Pike smiles as he remembers their first encounters. "Then the tattoos – they had a lot of effects on me, which are hard to describe. I should've noticed their importance when I hung up your erotic shots."

"You did?" Her eyes gleam.

"On the evening of the day you gave them to me. They're a part of my life for months." He runs his fingers over her chin, along one of the patterns. "I may have developed a slight fetish, though that is strictly connected to you. It helps that you look so different to Nero and his men." He's proud that the name comes out almost without hesitation.

"Seeing them on your face was a challenge for months – but I like challenges. I like to win challenges." His fingertips move down to her chest.

"So I'm just a challenge?"

"You love to dare me, don't deny it. There were many moments when you pushed me in rehab."

"You pushed yourself. I only made sure you wouldn't overdo." She looks at him, not straightaway reacting to his touch. "You didn't answer my question yet."

"I think I felt a lot for you for a very long time, and it definitely grew into something like love but I have always been good at shutting out things that just could not be. You were young, female, lesbian and my protégée. Point, end of story. There was no way the feelings I may have developed for you would get expressed in any physical way. My last date with a woman had been rather unsuccessful and I couldn't imagine I'd ever try again."

"Was it Natasha?" Dael asks.

"Yes," he replies surprised. "Why do you ask?"

"Just a thought," Dael replies evasively. "What made you change your opinion?"

"John, an old friend and part-time lover, sent me a photograph." Pike turns towards the nightstand and picks up the by now framed shot that shows them together, smiling. "This one."

She eyes it curiously.

"And he wrote on the back that he hasn't seen me so happy in decades, and that you probably haven't been so happy either for a while, and it was like getting slapped in my face for having been so stupid. It made everything fall in place. The way everyone seemed to assume we're getting together." Pike sighs. "It was the point when I realized that I was so much in love with you that the question of gender was simply moot between us. I probably still would not have acted on it if not for Doctor Will."

"Do you regret her interfering?"

"Not enough to want turn back time," Pike replies. "Not enough to regret anything that happened tonight, or what will happen tomorrow."

She ponders his words for a moment before inquiring, "Will they be good with it?"

He doesn't have to ask who she's talking about. "Jim is good with it. As for the doc – it's complicated."

She nods. "We barely ever talked but he sent me a message yesterday."

"He did?" Pike holds his breath.

"Just text. That he's glad you're no longer alone. That he hopes I'll be good for you, and that I should be careful with you because you're a lot more vulnerable than you let on."

"Ah. Great." Pike snorts a little. Not two, but three people messing around with his emotions - no wonder it gets harder all the time. Nice change that someone is concerned about him, though, considering that everyone else only thinks about Dael.

"You love him very much, don't you?" she asks.

"I love them both a lot," Pike replies, realizing how evasive he sounds.

She combs with her fingers through his hair. "You don't have to talk about it," and then adds the magic words in a whisper, like a secret oath, "I don't want to take anything away from you".

Words that would come back to haunt him in the most interesting moments.

*

Pike is going through a monumental shift in his life, in which so many of his former beliefs about himself are challenged. As if that isn't enough in itself, his newest relationship is out in a way no other had ever been. It's a brief but clear message that Nogura sends to Dael's instructors, in which the man informs them about Pike's resignation as Dael's academic advisor based on Starfleet Regulations C1320.2, a bloated piece of text that essentially says that they fuck.

So Pike waits for something, _anything_ to happen - only to find out that the world at large is surprisingly disinterested in his whereabouts. Neither her new academic advisor nor her instructors call him about anything but some professional subjects. His assistant takes the news with barely a blink. Commander Okonkwo, who ran the Auditor department super-smoothly while Pike was away, just nods and then moves on to the pile of work they'd have to tackle. People still greet him in the corridor, still talk to him at the coffee dispenser and still invite him to meetings. The Borg task force keeps running smoothly too, with the _Lexington_ on an early way home - Pike saw to that. And Nogura still discusses secret details of Starfleet politics with him.

Every day, Pike waits for the other shoe to drop, but so far, there's nothing. Maybe the fact that there is a specific regulation regarding such liaisons should have primed Pike that it's not a really rare event. Or maybe Barnett is right, and hooking up with a young girl is considered quite normal, because there'd definitely been a lot more gossip about Pike's affair with Kirk than about her. An annoying thought.

Pike opens his personal profile and puts Dael's name down in his emergency contact list, hoping that she'd never get _the call_ but knowing it's not unlikely. Before closing it again, he stares at the empty spot next to the label "partner(s)". It would be easy to add names here; it's not based on a legal procedure like a marriage, it's only a statement towards Starfleet. It tends to make some proceedings easier, especially in case of death, and he's a little compelled to write something into the empty field. Dael's name alone would feel wrong though, and for Kirk and McCoy he'd have to talk to the men first. It may not be a legal thing, but it would still be a declaration of their relationship to Starfleet.

Dael speaks with Arissa, who promptly sends Pike a message with the subject line _"Turning lesbian at last?"_ and the opening statement _"I'm not surprised"_. Dael doesn't say much about anyone else's reactions, but he doesn't get the impression that she has to face a lot of criticism.

For the world, it all seems to have been settled already for a while. It should take pressure from Pike's shoulders about his decision, but somehow it doesn't.

*

Pike moves into his new apartment, and Dael basically moves in with him. She still has her dorm room but she stays with him most nights. With her, there come books – old-fashioned paper books that take up quite some space – and clothes and all those little things people need as personal belongings. Not unlike Alain, she's introducing a certain element of chaos into his originally Spartan lifestyle, but since he's living in luxurious spaces now, maybe it's only logical.

His new bed is a custom-made three times three meters playground with many gimmicks to make bondage easier, but so far his sex life with Dael is experimental without moving deep into kink county. She knows about this particular interest thanks to his diorama, and while she doesn't ask him for details, there are hints she'd be open for some things. However, he isn't sure if he'd be ready for any rougher things with her. He's used to handle resilient, muscular bodies, and has yet to get over his vague fear of breaking her to pieces during sex. It's stupid of course, Dael is a lot tougher than she looks, but there's so little flesh on her – he often fights the compulsion to wrap her into padding. Something she'd neither want nor need.

Pike shows Dael around in his club anyway on one quiet Wednesday evening, not the least because she should know the truth before someone informs her about his strange side business. He's relieved that she seems to take the club details and the rooms in a stride, but doesn't mind that she doesn't instantly ask for a session.

On their way out, the main barkeep grins and mutters a few words to his colleague. The man's bad luck that the words carry through the rather empty bar room.

"It's got to be _her_. You know, _that story_."

From the bright flush on Dael's neck, Pike is rather sure that the man knows something that he doesn't.

"_That story_?" Pike asks as they sit in the car, and is amused when Dael avoids his gaze. "What did he refer to?"

"Nothing special," she mutters.

"You look lovely with that blush," Pike teases her and starts the engine. "You know I'm bound to find it out sooner or later, considering that it seems to have been a memorable story."

She presses her lips together and crosses her arms.

_"What happens in the club stays in the club,"_ is Arissa's answer to his inquiry.

_"I don't know the full story,"_ Jim states in a recording. _"But you might want to adjust your kink radar, because it seems to be as warped as your gaydar. Just an idea."_

Pike could ask his barkeep but that would mean divulging his ignorance. So he decides to wait until Dael is ready for sharing.

*

Anumanchi strictly forbids Pike to play Holo Squash and tries to talk him into incredibly boring exercises instead. It makes him give up any coordination-building sports for the moment.

Determined to keep at least as much of his strength as possible, Pike still does weights and cardio trains three times a week, now always in the admiralty's building because it leaves him with more spare time in the evening - more time with Dael. When he does bench-presses today, his thoughts travel to Barnett; his colleague is still in hospital, and Pike had visited him twice already, watching the visible decay with concern.

It's just not right, he thinks with his grip tightening around the bar, and knows that it's a stupid thought. There's nothing right or wrong in life - it's just happening, no master plan. If anything, there are chances and the right people to leap onto them. Moments of crossroads, and the luck to make the right decision - or at least what looks like. Who knows what would've waited on the road not taken? Every decision put a thousand alternatives on hold.

That brings Pike's thoughts to Spock, and a sudden idea makes him stop and sit up, reaching for his towel to wipe his sweat away. It might be worth a try to ask Spock for a single, limited piece of information. Like the cure for an illness that's supposed to be untreatable.

He spends half an hour of his office time on formulating a message to the old Vulcan, sending it to the last confirmed contact address that he wrestles out of Farnham.

_"Nobody heard anything from the old hawk since he left you on Luna,"_ John writes below it. _"And I'm not the only one who thinks it's better that way." _

Pike transmits his message anyway. It feels like sending a carrier pigeon into the depths of space, and like he half-expected and feared, there's no answer in return.

*

They try to get it to work - communication squared. But it's clear from the first moment on that having Dael in the mix does not work when it comes to real-time transmissions with the Enterprise men.

Yet, Pike hopes.

Of course, communication works like charm between Jim and Dael. Pike has never supposed anything else, and is more than sure that when these two will meet in person, spontaneous combustion will look lame compared to it. Jim's Academy days haven't been over for that long and since he'd been in the same track, he knows several of her instructors. But while Jim and Dael animatedly discuss some class work during the transmission, the inevitable frown on McCoy's face only grows.

_"It's not that he doesn't like her as a person,"_ Kirk had put it in a message. _"But she's so young. He just can't wrap his mind around it."_

It makes McCoy tense during the transmission, which in return makes Pike nervous and self-conscious.

They don't repeat the experiment.

It puts even a strain on Pike's recordings to the couple, because he tries not to speak of Dael too often, which is naturally very hard as she's becoming a larger part of his life with every day.

_"Goddamn, Chris, can you stop sending such a shit? It's not as if it will kill me to hear her name, so stop wiggling around the subject,"_ McCoy berates him after one especially labored recording. It makes Pike decide to split up the communication channels.

So for now it's recordings between _Chris&amp;Jim_ and _Chris&amp;Leonard_ and _Jim&amp;Dael_ \- a foursome where McCoy and Dael are only connected via the angles. Pike isn't satisfied with the situation, but as there's currently no solution to it, his major concern is to keep the whole structure together until they can meet in person. He can't imagine the doc _not_ connecting to Dael once McCoy could find out that there's so much more to her than just her young age.

He tries not to think about what might happen if McCoy ever forced him to decide between them. Which the doc would surely not do, but the thought still creeps up at Pike once in a while, in a sleepless hour. He loves the doc, possibly more than anyone else - but the doc belongs to Jim, out in space, and he's here on Earth and so is Dael. This wonderful, queer, lovely person that stole quite a bit of his heart.

No, Pike doesn't want to be forced to choose between anyone, and he's thankful that so far, nobody tried to make him.

*

_"Is she really worth the risk, Chris?"_ Nogura had asked when he'd admitted the relationship. _"Is she worth risking your reputation and career?"_

_"Yes,"_ he had answered.

For all the new, complicated aspects of his life, never once Pike wonders if it has been the right choice.

It's worth it for the text messages that brighten his days and for all those nights when he comes home late, and there's the light on and the smell of food in the air, the living room warm and cozy. For all the evenings they sit on the couch together with PADDs in their hands, working close to each other. For all the mornings he wakes up next to her, knowing there will be another evening to look forward to already, and for the way she looks when she's asleep in his arms, peaceful and happy. For all the things he's allowed to do for her, and for all the things she does for him – a give and take in a balance he never had before.

It's not like everything is perfect. They're both mediocre cooks and the only thing that rescues them is that they'll basically eat anything when they're hungry. Sometimes she steals his shower time in the morning because she loves long, hot showers, or drinks all the milk and then forgets to restock it. He tends to clean her pile of PADDs away which ruins the ordered chaos she enjoys around her, and often eats more than his share of grapes out of Tom's fruit boxes, although it's the only fruit she likes. Her hair gel smears on his pillow, while his liberal use of lube makes it land everywhere. And the one time he mentions horse riding, she looks like she's going to pack up and leave him.

But in any way that's really important, it's perfect for him.

*

They go and buy a strap-on for Dael. Actually, she owns one but it's such a low quality that Pike decides that it won't go anywhere near his ass.

So they show up in the shop that was recommended to Dael in the _Silver Barracuda_. It's Saturday morning, the shop is full of people - and he's the only man, making everyone's head turn. He's almost expecting to get thrown out but it doesn't say women-only at the door, so he takes his chance, trying to be as invisible as possible. Which is not really easy when your lesbian lover and the salesgirl animatedly exchange details about dick sizes in front of a large collection of dildos. Dael ends with two picks and they get shown to a changing box, Pike trailing behind her. Once they're inside, Dael strips down to shirt and knee-high boots without ado and puts on the first.

It just kills him. It looks natural, fits perfectly between her legs, and when he reads the cover information, it says something about _neural wiring_ and _full sensitivity_. She looks at the mirror and takes the erect member in her hand, testing its weight and feel, and he can see she's satisfied with the result. He inhales sharply as her right hand forms a fist and she tilts her pelvis in a fake thrust. Then she suddenly turns around and looks at him with a curved smile and a little dare. She takes a step back against the wall and spreads her legs a little to make room.

Dael never fails to arouse him, but _Dael with a dick_ simply blows a fuse in his brain. He doesn't care that when he goes down on his knees, one of his shoes gets entangled in the curtain of the box and draws it open a bit, partly presenting his actions to the outside shoppers. He briefly runs his hands over her inner legs, which makes her gasp a little, then licks his lips and bends forward. The dick's head has just the right texture and an agreeable smell, and without further thinking he opens his mouth wide and deep-throats the comfortable length of the fake penis.

"Slower," Dael mutters above him, burying her hands in his hair and pulling him a little back. Seems the full sensitivity isn't just a tag line, and Pike determinedly goes up and down the full length with tight lips, at times letting the dick slip out of his mouth to give the glans some extra stimulation. Damn, he's going to come right here just from the sounds Dael makes above him as she's slowly coming undone. He moves one hand to her clit but it's all covered by the strap-on. Before he can explore further, she slaps his hand away.

"Just your mouth," Dael orders, and damn if that doesn't go straight to his dick, again. He makes a mental note to speak about dirty talking with her because he's got the feeling that he'd take things from her he'd never take from anyone else, and then puts all his concentration in giving her the best head he can give. With every thrust forward, he takes in the full shaft, the glans hitting the bottom of his mouth and some. Soon he can feel her coming closer to release as her hands tighten in his hair, adjusting his head until she's all but fucking his face, over and over until she comes with a small cry. Pike is barely able to breathe while she rides out her orgasm with the dick deep in his throat, but at least there's no sperm – not that he'd mind a version that ejaculates. At last she releases her hold and he withdraws, sagging back on his heels and catching his breath.

"That was fantastic," Dael manages to say before she sinks down on her pile of clothes on the tiny chair. "Should we still try the other one?"

Pike experimentally moves his jaw. "Not sure I'll make it that long," he says amused.

She laces her fingers into his hair, petting him. "You're incredible. Thank you."

"Thank you," Pike says and captures her fingertips for a kiss before he gets up with a small groan.

"Sorry if I've been a little overexcited." Dael runs her hands down his hips.

"Darling, it's become one of my major goals in life to excite you," Pike states. "Not that it doesn't work on me either, so if we don't want to spill come around here for which they'd probably hate me, let's buy it and get out."

She quickly dresses. When they walk out of the box and towards the cashier desk, there are still many gazes but now they've changed in quality; there's less suspicion and a lot more appreciation. The woman at the counter smiles at them as Pike pays. "Thanks for your purchase. You're welcome back any time." Then she adds in a lower voice, "If you ever think about giving deep-throat workshops, sir, you'd be booked out."

"Is that so?" Pike says, torn between flattered and insulted by the transgressive remark.

"Yes, and it's a compliment." The woman gives the shopping bag over the counter. "Sometimes, couples with your constellation show up here. It's usually the sugar daddy style, guys spending money on their young girlfriends while the wife waits at home. But you're of a different brand, and I like that. Enjoy your purchase."

"We intended that with or without your applause," Pike says a little sourly.

When they're outside, Dael laces her arm into his. "She just wanted to pay you a compliment."

"I get her intention," Pike states. "I just didn't like her style." At least the exchange had the positive effect of reducing his hard-on to a level he could hide, so they could go back to further shopping without being too obvious.

"Sugar daddy, what the fuck," he mutters under his breath.

"You do pay the bills," Dael says reasonably, which earns her a glare.

"Anything else would be pointless," he says sharply. "But I'm paying things for us, I'm not paying for your service, sexual or otherwise." He's glad when she quickly switches to the question of food for the weekend.

*

There are days on which she'd prefer not to leave the apartment, when he can feel that it takes serious effort for her to make the actual step out of the door. There are even the odd days when she completely hides from the world. She tries to keep that away from him by calling in time and telling him she wouldn't make it home – she calls his apartment home, and he loves it – and would stay in her dorm room. When he realizes that there seems to be more behind it than just ordinary tiredness, he's unsure if and how he should approach the topic.

_That strange therapeutic thing between us._ His own words come back to him as he finds himself in front of her door one Wednesday evening, walking back and forth, wondering about knocking and what he would do if she didn't open. Wondering if he should use his emergency override, knowing that it would be wrong to do so.

He stops as a woman walks down the corridor towards his position. She's maybe thirty, with shoulder-long dark hair and a rather female figure, and judging of her clothes, she had to be one of Academy's civilian personnel. She glances up and down his uniform, then nods.

"You're Christopher," she states.

"I am," he says. "And you happen to be…?"

"Roxanne." She glances at the door. "Did you try to knock?"

"Not yet."

She glances back at him. "Maybe it's better to wait a little. Care to have a drink with me?"

Pike actually doesn't want to, but considers it a good tactical move to get to know the woman who's been so outspoken against him. After all, she is still one of Dael's few friends. "Sure."

They end in the small cafeteria that never closes, back in some hidden corner. His hands cradle a tea because the coffee here isn't even worth its name, and she has a hot chocolate.

"I was against your relationship," she starts right away, and looks up from her cup. Her eyes are dark-green and she has a certain air of authority around her which he would find rather positive if she were one of his crew, but he's less enchanted by having to face criticism from someone he'd never met in person before.

It makes him answer a short-clipped, "Not that it changed much."

"No."

Pike tilts his head. "Is it so hard to accept that she wants to be with me? It seems that we have a common goal – looking after her. She can use all the friends she has. I certainly don't want to separate her from her peers."

"You really mean that?" She frowns at him.

"I have no clue where you got the impression from that I would want to isolate her. She's still working in the club every other Friday night, and I try not to claim all her time." Pike shakes his head. "I don't mind you being critical in advance, because the hard facts make the relationship look wrong, but I expect better from someone who claims to have Dael's best interest in mind. I've faced some well-meaning warnings over the last weeks, but nobody had any actual complaints. Dael wants to be with me, and I try my utmost to make this unusual relationship successful."

Roxanne lifts her chin. "Just because it looks good doesn't make it healthy. A blind man could see that your relationship isn't between equals. You're in a position of power, financially settled, even got another relationship running. She'll always be in the weaker position."

"Compared to what?" he asks, feeling a strange impulse to laugh in her face. "If I do anything wrong, the world will launch its wrath against me. Nogura would, my partners would - everyone. My health is a fragile thing, my position of power is exactly worth nothing next time my brain misses a few too many beats."

She snorts. "If you were a really decent man, you wouldn't have given in to her in the first place."

It makes him lower his head and smile. "Yes," he says. "Guess I'm not decent enough to say no to someone who makes every day more bearable just by being with me." His smile broadening, he looks up at her. "That's definitely something you could accuse me of. I'm not saint enough to make myself and her unhappy by stopping a development between two consenting adults because certain people do not approve." His smile vanishes, substituted by the mask he's cultivated in decades of command.

"You may keep your opinion about me. I don't care as long as I don't find you actively trying to work against me. If you do this, you will find me a resilient adversary."

"I've got no doubt about that – sir," she states icily.

"I'll see after Dael now," Pike says and gets up. All right, he had said he wouldn't separate Dael from her peers but _damn_ if he feels like exchanging another word with a woman who's all settled in her judgment of his person. "Good night."

There might have been a muttered "_ass_" traveling behind him, but he doesn't turn around.

Dael opens at his first knock, fully dressed. "I just decided I'd come home." She hesitates for a moment, a flicker of insecurity crossing her features. "If you want me to."

He moves into the room, unwilling to say anything in the open corridor.

"You lovely, wonderful _idiot_," he says, lacing his fingers into her hair. "I take you any time, in any mood. I might kick your ass if you try to hide for too long, but I certainly can live with you having bad days." He presses a kiss on her forehead. "I'd rather have you at home than hide out here."

The smallest extra bedroom becomes _her_ room, and he's not surprised when she installs a holo projector that throws cornfields in the wind onto the wall. Her books wander into her room, aside from the stray exemplar she's currently reading and the few that somehow meandered onto his own nightstand. Her clothes and other personal things stay in the main bedroom, though, including both dioramas, and that makes Pike glad.

Sometimes she invites him over to hide with her. Then they just hold each other in silence and watch the stars together.

*

Pike has read Dael's full file before handing her case over the next academic advisor. Considering how much he knew about her at that point, it had been anticlimactic, telling him nothing new.

That should've clued him in that there are things he still isn't privy too. It would've made the surprise visitor in front of his office one Monday night less of a surprise.

"Admiral Pike?" the black-skinned, grey-haired man asks sharply when Pike opens the office door. There's something about the man that makes Pike wonder if he's going to attack him, though he wouldn't know why.

But then the man snaps, "I'm Doctor Aristele M'Benga," and pushes his hand forward for a handshake.

"Doctor M'Benga. The man behind the IDIC Foundation. Please, come in." The tension diminishes as the man passes Pike and sinks down in the chair in front of his desk.

"I am. Nice to know you know my name."

"I've done a little research about the IDICF. You founded it after the loss of Vulcan –"

"Because my son died on Vulcan. Just had gone there for his medical internship." The man accepts an offered drink, before Pike sits down on the other side, "It's been six years, but sometimes I still wake up and think he just called me." The doctor looks at Pike, gaze suddenly sharpening again.

"I did some research on you too, admiral. You've had a long, illustrious career before delivering yourself into Nero's hands. Kept your life, but lost your ship and your health over it." The man waves with his drink. "I also know that you own a dubious club and have questionable sexual preferences. You are in an ongoing relationship with Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy of the _Enterprise_ and are said to be spending your time with a close friend much too often. You see, I've done my research."

Pike circles his own drink in his hands, feeling his jaw tensing. "I gather you are here on behalf of Dael?"

"Yes," M'Benga agrees.

"What do you want?"

"I wanted to get to know the man the Vulcans thought worthy of being her t'sav'asha."

"Her what?"

"Mentor-lover. Vulcans love these kinds of combinations. I think they invent one whenever they need it." M'Benga points at Pike with one finger. "When I first heard about the development, I was speechless. Angry! By human standards – by _my_ standards - you violated every damn ethic when it came to Dael, and the age difference is much too high. But in Vulcan thinking, it was more than logical that the two of you would get together, and they overruled me."

"Overruled you?" This discussion becomes increasingly surreal. "You mean this relationship is the result of some intervention from Vulcan sources?"

"Partly. We asked Nogura who might be the right mentor for Dael, and when he brought you up, the Vulcans seemed rather intrigued by the idea. When you went to the rehab institution and she joined you there, they made it clear that the obviously developing relationship between the two of you would be logical by Vulcan standards. So they kept me from interfering."

"And they made Nogura accept it?" Pike asks incredulously.

"Yes. God knows he wasn't in favor of it. Thought it would ruin your career." M'Benga sighs. "But what shall I say, I've seen Dael today and she looks happy. Didn't know the girl could smile, but once I brought up your name, she did. So it seems the Vulcans did something right for her, as little as the stay on New Vulcan did her much good otherwise. They tried but both kids were extremely hard to reach, and mind melds only work that far…"

Mind-melds again. Pike becomes decidedly wary about the mental abilities of Vulcans, wondering what else they had never really divulged to the Federation. "I guess they would've needed a little more human affection instead."

"Maybe. Well, looks as if you take care of her. But let me tell you, admiral – if you break her heart, you'll have to answer to me and everyone else who's ever felt responsible for her."

"I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen," Pike says flatly. "But in relationships, there are no guarantees."

"Then you better guarantee she's better off with you than without you," M'Benga states sharply.

Pike tilts his head. "Tell me, who are the Vulcans you keep speaking of?"

"Several you wouldn't know. One you might know – Ambassador Selek."

_That scheming, sneaky old Vulcan._

"God knows what they see in you. It's not as if you helped them a lot," M'Benga says darkly, and it allows Pike a look beyond the harsh shell of the man, into the depths where a father is still mourning his only son who died on Vulcan.

"No, I didn't," Pike agrees, putting the drink aside. "The _Enterprise_ came too late. Our attempts to stop Nero's plan came too late. Delivering myself into his hand gave Kirk and Spock the time to save Earth, but Vulcan…" Nero had made him watch, strapped to the table, how the planet disappeared. The images are just as burned into his memory as the feeling of helplessness and shocked despair. A brief wave of nausea hits as the moments after unfold, the useless debate with the mad man that ended with the slug in his throat. With effort Pike brings himself out of the memory and focuses on his visitor again. On the eye contact, the man deflates with a sudden sigh.

"I apologize for my words, admiral. I know that you're still suffering from the aftereffects -"

"Not more than anyone else who's lost someone or something during those days," Pike states tonelessly.

M'Benga nods, slowly. "We've all lost the things dearest to us. Maybe it's really logical that we should not suffer alone." He gets up and takes a tight hold of Pike's hand when they stand at the door.

"I started the IDIC Foundation because I wanted to give all those lost children a chance for the future, now that my own son doesn't have one anymore. Promise me you'll do your best that Dael gets her chance."

"I will, Doctor M'Benga," Pike says, and it feels like an oath.

He's not surprised when the next invitation to a ceremony in the Vulcan embassy is addressed to "_Admiral Pike and t'sai Dael_". It becomes the only place where she appears in an official function at his side, dressed in a surprisingly female, dark-green traditional robe she had kept from her stay on New Vulcan.

Spock still doesn't reply to his message.

*

Her ass belongs to him. It's a thought that starts to grow over the weeks he tests the waters for anal sex. Pike had rarely given it a conscious thought before but he's definitely an ass man, and he's one with her too, although her ass is the tiniest he ever got his hands on.

Now that she's all spread out for him, lying on her stomach over the new large pillow which he'd actually bought for supporting himself in the same act, the thought gets so intense that it takes his breath away. He took his time over the evening, massaging her with oil all over, bringing her close to orgasm with his fingers more than once, then at last asking her to turn around. He knows from his tentative exploration that she's curious but self-conscious about it like most people, and he's determined to make it a good experience for her.

She sighs softly as he places his hands on her ass cheeks - she's so slim that there's barely any flesh to pull apart, and he can just bend low and give the rosy muscle a first lick. There's some oil but he ignores it as he tongues it, easing her slight tension away. When he thinks she's ready, he sits up and pours some more oil onto his hands. Rubbing his thumbs over the hole, he gives her a moment to adjust to the idea before he slowly presses his left thumb in. She's tight and warm and utters the hottest small sigh.

_Fuck_, this does incredible things to Pike. It feels more of an act of violation than it ever felt to him with men before, breaching the virginal ass of this _boygirl_ and he's not sure what it says about him that this first intrusion only makes him want to breach her so much more. He hadn't thought about fucking her like this but now it's almost the only thought left in his mind.

Reigning in his arousal with force, he slowly, carefully fucks her open with his fingers, shifting his weight so he can add a little pressure to his movement forward. She's breathing heavily, a gentle moan escaping her lips once in a while. One, two, three fingers, his arm shakes a little from the concentration, and he's so fucking damn ready and so is she.

He quickly cleanses his hands, having read various articles on how vaginal and anal bacteria really don't mix well, and then puts lube on his erection.

Slowly he shifts his hip to press in, his hands on her hip, keeping her in position with more than the necessary strength. A crazy current of desire runs through him as he glides in to the hilt, taking her in possession.

_Your ass belongs to me_, he thinks, and maybe he says it too because there's an answering Yes hanging in the air. He eases his hands away from her hips for a moment, stroking her back, following the patterns from top to bottom.

"Love you," he whispers. She doesn't say a word, but he can see a smile on her half-hidden face. Reaching around with one hand, he dips his forefinger into her pussy. She's wet, slick from oil and arousal and he's not surprised when she coils to meet his touch, her breathing quickening.

He starts fucking her, and it's like hot lava in his blood stream when he hears her vulnerable sounds, those little desperate sighs. Much too quickly he comes hard, doubling over with a groan as he rides out his orgasm, hands tightly around her waist. It seems to be twice as explosive once he thinks about that he's the first and this is his and nobody else would get his dick in here as long as he's got any say in it.

Not even Jim. 

When his own waves ebb, he leans over her and puts his fingers to good use, rotating them around and over her clit, fast and increasingly harder. His other hand is splayed out on her back, and he uses his weight to keep her from escaping his administrations. He's not as gentle as usual, the need to take her into possession still pushing him forward. She's almost sobbing as she arches at last, her legs pressing into the cushions and against his knees. He keeps going until she begs him to stop. Only then he cups her sex, warm and protective, allowing her to calm down. For a while, they just rest like this, his lips dipping kisses all over her shoulders and neck, his caresses increasingly soft and gentle. His deflated erection slipped out sometime in between, and when he moves at last, he pulls her up with him, so that she kneels in front of him, her back to him. He strokes her chest and tiny breasts, whispering _I love you_ and _thank you_ and thinking that he's got it really, really bad. He's incredibly happy and also exhausted and he absolutely can't keep his hands from her, not even when she finally slips out of his grasp with a parting kiss, claiming a need for the bathroom.

He joins her, irritating her a little by it, but she doesn't complain when he gets them into the shower and cleans her all around, pampering her. When they're done, he steps out first and offers her a warmed-up towel. He rubs her dry, placing kisses onto her chest tattoos as he towels lower down. She's leaning forward, placing one hand on his shoulder as she spreads her legs. Encouraged he sinks to his knees, slowly running the towel through her labia. He wouldn't be able to get anything up to save his life but that doesn't mean he can't get turned on from the way she wants more, from _him_. There's only a faint smell of the shower gel and he pulls her a little open and angles his head to lick her still aroused clit.

Her hands lace into his hair and urge him forward, taking control of his movements. His knees and jaw soon start aching but there's also a sweet feeling of surrender as he gives in to her demands. Partly because it's only fair, partly because in his love for her, there's an almost unlimited amount of desire to please her. She's a gift, something that came across in the moment he needed it the most, and he wants to be worth her time – her _youth_.

She arches as he slips two fingers into her, adding pressure to her G-point while his lips suck her blooming nub. Her movements get erratic, and just when he thinks he's got to give up due to exhaustion, she shudders and presses his face hard against her, riding his open mouth with her sex. There's a white-hot flush in his mind, and a breathless laugh on his lips.

_That's what a mental orgasm has got to feel like._

When she releases her grip, he sinks to the floor into a seated position, leaning against the wall with his back and quickly wiping his face with the damp towel. Seconds later she sits down next to him, sighing a little.

"Sorry it took me so long. Thanks for hanging on." She eases him into a kiss.

"Everything for you," he replies, taking her into an embrace.

"We should get up," she notes, but none of them has the energy to move right away.

"Got to love the floor heating in this apartment," Pike murmurs after a while.

"It's still too hard," Dael states and at last stands up. He takes her offered hand and they soon end in bed again, where he spoons her.

"Did you like it?" he asks at last, one hand on her chest. He definitely hopes so because his dick already flags just from nudging against her ass crack right now.

"It felt a little strange but I liked it," she answers, voice heavy from approaching sleep. "I loved the way you held me," she adds, almost inaudible, and it makes him tighten his hold.

He would love to claim her completely, always and forever, but he doesn't believe there's anything like "always and forever" in the universe.

*

"_I don't want to take anything away from you,_" is what Dael said. It should be perfect - a partner who doesn't put demands on him, who completely accepts everyone and everything else in his life, be it work, friends or lovers.

Pike can't help but make the same pledge to her, because that's how he wants them to be, equal partners in every regard he can influence. And he's not going to give in to the annoying voice in the back of his brain that claims that _nothing exclusive_ had never worked well for him.

It's the logical setting, considering that they didn't magically turn into straight people over night, and so she's still working in the _Silver Barracuda_ every other weekend, and could still see women. No questions asked.

_It's alright by me, really it is_, Pike thinks determined when he sits at the bar of his own club on her weekend out.

"If you don't stop moping, I'll photograph you and send her the picture." Farnham threatens him as he sits down next to him. "You've become such a sap. Why don't you talk your arrangement over with her?"

"I don't want to seize all her time," Pike says. "She needs to talk to people outside of the Academy and Starfleet." He waves the barkeep for something to drink, and the man instantly pushes a soda his way. Pike sips at it with a sigh; no more alcohol for him, _thanks, meds_, which is damn hard in the long run.

"I mean your sex arrangement." Farnham places a hand on his shoulder. "I could inform her that when she thinks you're fucking around in your boys' night out, all you do is wait until she shows up on Sunday evening."

"You won't tell her a word," Pike states. "She needs some life of her own."

"You want her to have that."

"Yes. Because I think it's the right thing. She spends enough time with me as it is."

Farnham looks at the entry of the club, then waves to a new arrival. A minute later, Eric stands next to them. "Meet self-sacrificing Chris, the guy I never wanted to get to know," Farnham says with a wave of his hand.

"Knock it off, John," Eric says calmly and orders a drink. What had started as one of Farnham's one-night-stands has developed into a rather regular arrangement between the two, and Pike likes the young man a lot. Eric is thoughtful and capable of self-reflection, and has a very hot body to boot. Pike knows that he's got a standing offer to join the two men for the night but his brain and body are currently rather focused on Dael. And when it's not her, then it's two men out there in space, and between those three, he's definitely busy enough to sort his feelings.

"Fine by me," Farnham snorts. "It's not as if I'm responsible for Chris' mood."

"Why don't you go and enjoy the location? I've heard there's a new sling in room four," Pike says coolly and empties his depressing soda.

Farnham laughs. "I know when I'm dismissed." He slips from the stool. "You're coming, darling?" he asks Eric and walks away without waiting for the answer.

The young man nods. "I apologize for John's behavior," he says quietly to Pike before he follows Farnham into the depths of the club.

_It's not your fault_, Pike thinks, and decides to stop hanging around in his club on these Friday nights. Better spend them on something sensible, like work.

*

After all the months of being out of his office, there'd been a meter-long backlog of things to read, and Pike is slowly reaching the bottom of the list. It gives him a little room to skim through the _Enterprise_ mission logs of the last months, expecting the usual hare-brained adventures and some close calls because it was true Kirk style to live life like a game.

He doesn't expect _this_. A diplomatic mission going wrong on a backwater planet called Aranka - half of a medical team getting killed by the natives and the others taken hostage, including the CMO. It took the Enterprise three days to rescue them.

Pike reads the details, even down to the actual log entries of the bridge officers.

Kirk had sent McCoy's team down against the advice of both Spock and McCoy.

McCoy had lost three of his team when they were executed in front of his eyes, and another one during the days of captivity. One of the remaining team had resigned a month later, due to ongoing survivor guilt issues.

It's a worst-case scenario for every captain, and it could only be worse when the two officers concerned were in a relationship. Now that Pike really thinks about it, there had been quite a lack of _Jim&amp;Bones_ recordings over the last months, no funny porn sent his way.

Next chance he gets at being alone at home, Pike initiates a real-time transmission with the doc.

"Anything wrong?" McCoy asks a little concerned, when he gets him into the line – and a little sleepy, must be gamma shift already.

"You tell me," Pike says, which earns him a confused look. "Aranka."

That at least causes an immediate reaction, as McCoy's gaze turns defensive, a frown materializing on his forehead. "What about it?"

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't either of you tell me?"

"Because you were dead at the time?" McCoy states sharply. "It happened just before you fell off your horse. You were fighting for your life, and when you woke up, we knew that you'd have a long road to recovery. No need to ship our shit to your door."

"Those two weeks when you were working on a cure for me, that was your post-mission extra shore leave."

"Yeah, and I spent it with your brain patterns on my screen, and I'd do it again," McCoy says rather exasperated. "Chris, it's been months ago. Old story. Everything's fine again between Jim and me."

"_Fine again_ sounds like it hasn't been for a while."

"Maybe not, but it's fine now. So please, don't stir it up again."

"I wish I could've been there for you," Pike says, suddenly feeling exhausted and incredibly sad. "I'm sorry that I keep failing you. You give me so much more than I can ever give to you."

"Oh damn –" McCoy jerks his hands up into the air. "Considering how often you told me you hate self-pity, you've become rather good at it. So forget about it. Please. Do something meaningful. Go fuck your wife or something."

It's like a slap in Pike's face, and it makes his vision blur. "Do you hate me by now?" he whispers, barely able to watch the man on the other side of the cam. "Because it sure sounds like it."

"No," McCoy says brokenly. "No, I don't. I actually mean it. Enjoy every day you have with her, because you never know what's going to happen the next day. Forget about that old story. Really. There's nothing you can fix."

"I realize that. I still wanted to ask if there's anything I can help with. You know, like friends and lovers do," Pike says a little desperately.

"You can't," McCoy states flatly. "Sorry for reacting so badly. I didn't want to hurt you. I hope you have a good night. I love you, Chris. Take care, and give her a kiss from me." The connection closes.

Dael finds him half an hour later, still in front of the console.

"Anything wrong with them?" she asks concerned, as he silently wraps one arm around her waist and leans his head against her stomach.

"Yes, I think there's something wrong, but they won't tell me. The doc won't tell me."

"Is it because of me?" That she even asks like that constricts his throat.

"No, a mission went wrong that seemed to cause a problem between them." It's probably even worse than Pike thought at first, because every other time he'd thrown McCoy out of bed with a transmission, Jim had always shown up sooner or later – but not this time. They might not even share quarters at the moment.

"I'm so sorry," Dael says, combing through his hair.

"I love him so much. I hate it that there's so little I can really do for him."

"I know how you feel. I feel like this every time you're in hospital."

Pike heaves a sigh. "We're a great group of people, aren't we? All so fucked-up... SNAFU could be our life motto."

There's suddenly an incoming call, and it's the _Enterprise_. With his arm still around Dael, Pike accepts the transmission.

"I heard you called," Kirk says, in sports outfit with a towel around his shoulders, the doc to his right. "And I heard that the two of you had a severe case of communication failure." He glares a little to McCoy's side. "Aranka was a sour point, yes, and I made some wrong decisions and it had repercussions on my relationship with Bones. We didn't tell you because you really had other problems but that doesn't mean we wanted to keep it away from you."

Kirk glances to McCoy again, who hangs his head a little. "You called in a rather bad moment today, because Bones was just asleep from a long shift with eight hours in surgery. We've lost a man today whose wedding ceremony I officiated last week. We've spent most of the evening talking to his widow. So it's not been a good day here, but it's not what you may have thought." Kirk laces his hand into Bones'. "All is good between us, really. And all is good between us and you – both of you." The captain tugs the doc's hand, and McCoy looks at the cam at last.

"Chris – I apologize for what and how I said it. It's been a very tough reminder today that everything we all have is built on sand, fragile and possibly brief. So I really meant it when I said you should enjoy your time with Dael." The doc swallows a little. "Dael, I want to apologize for making things harder than they should be. I know you love Chris, and he loves you, and I wouldn't want to keep you away from each other. I'm glad someone is taking care of him in a way I can't. I want you to know that if you ever need our help, we'll be there for you too."

"Thank you, doctor," Dael replies a little stiffly, after an encouraging squeeze of Pike's hand. "It was never my intention to take anything away from the admiral, and I was growing concerned that my existence would lead to significant problems between you. He loves you, and I always knew that."

"So I trust that we're all fine now, are we?" Kirk asks into the round, his smile suddenly framed by tangible exhaustion. "Because it's really late here and we're more than ready to go to bed. I love you, Chris, kisses to you, Dael. Take care and you'll hear from us soon. Enterprise out."

When the connection closes the second time, Pike sags back in his chair. By god, he wishes he'd be as good in turning his emotions off as he'd been in the past. He so could have lived without these emotional roller coasters. There's a profound headache pulsing just above his eyes, and he uselessly circles his left fingertips over his forehead. When Dael nudges his head to the side, he follows her lead and ends with his temple against her stomach again. With a soft sigh, he slips his right hand under her shirt, caressing her back.

"Let's go to bed," she says.

"It's not that late," he mumbles, relieved when she drags him to bed anyway, spooning him until he drifts into sleep.

The next time they try a four-way-communication, it's still not as easy as between it has been between the three men, but it definitely goes a lot smoother.

*

It's not the eighteen percent loss in Pike's mobility that becomes the most prominent problem, it's the randomly happening brainstem hang-ups that cost him the control over his legs and make him tumble and fall. It makes him feel a lot more disabled than after the Narada, when he went from "does not work" to "does work" within a few weeks.

After the third incident, Pike goes to see Doctor Anumanchi, but the data transmitted by his medical bracelet are inconclusive and he can't spend two weeks or more in hospital under a med scanner just for a good scan. Without another good option, the doctors start tinkering with his medication. It makes him nauseous in the morning and incredibly sleepy in afternoon, but it doesn't solve the problem, so they go back to his previous mix.

The incidents are rare and happen without obvious reason, though slightly more frequent under stress. Their randomness makes him more and more cautious. After one especially humiliating fall in the mess that ends with him distributing the contents of his tray all over the floor under pitying gazes, he stops eating with his colleagues and gets his meals delivered to his office instead. He's reluctant to perform anything strenuous within the sight of students, declining every offer for substituting at the Academy. It won't do to have them seeing him go down on one knee – the controlled way to stop the tumbling, which he prefers compared to the risk of falling uncontrolled and potentially messier. Beneath his uniform pants, he now always wears knee protectors. He even tries a few versions of leg stabilizers but while they may have a certain psychological effect, if his brainstem decides to skip a beat, they don't stop him from falling.

He tries his best not to burden anyone with the problem, and the one time Dael notices that something is wrong, he covers it up by momentary exhaustion. She believes it because he's definitely a lot more tired than usual lately. The doctors want him to reduce his working hours, but that would feel like losing, and he's lost enough to be determined to keep everything else.

He loathes noticing how close he keeps to any available handrails.

*

It's Wednesday evening and they sit comfortable together on the couch, both a PADD in their hands. There's some talk about each one's plans for next week, some aligning of their time together. Tuesday night would be a party in the _Silver Barracuda_, and Dael is invited. It makes Pike spontaneously decide to attend a reception at the Andorian embassy; he feels uneasy about possible falls, but they've got a lot of chairs and he always makes sure to have one hand free.

"You still seeing Roxanne?" he asks in a side remark, trying to sound casual and failing.

Dael gives him a glance. "Once in a while," she replies.

A solid two minutes later, she looks up again. "I don't sleep with her, if that's what you actually wanted to know."

"It's okay," Pike says. It's none of his business.

"You want a list?" she asks neutrally, and he can't read her expression. What his own mind makes of it, though, is her wondering whether he wants to redefine the terms of their relationship - a non-subject for him.

"It would be quite short," she adds, and when she gets up to fetch something from the kitchen, she places a kiss on his forehead.

He doesn't ask again.

*

"I'll celebrate my birthday on Sunday," Nat says when she gives him a call in his office on Friday morning. "We'll have a barbecue at Tom's farm." Marriage seems to become her. She looks happy and relaxed, her hair curling over her shoulders in a shining mahogany, a nice contrast to her white blouse.

"Sounds good." Pike pauses for a second. "Would you like me to come?" Their friendship has become a little strained since Dael; it's unfortunate but he can't really change it.

"That why I call," she says. "I wanted to invite you - and before you ask, Dael is invited too. So please, bring her along if you want to."

"You want me to bring her to a family meeting?" Pike is surprised.

"She's _living_ with you, Chris. You see her as your partner – yeah, I know, I won't use the word _girlfriend_ though I can't guarantee for anyone else on the party. So of course she's invited."

"I'll pass the invitation along, but I can't promise she'll come. It's her choice."

"I understand. Tom's dying of curiosity, though. If she doesn't show up, he'll probably visit you in the city."

"We'll see." Pike nods. "Thanks for the invitation, Nat. I'll definitely be there for the party."

"We start at midday, like every year." She smiles and signs off.

They're both on the farm on Sunday, Pike and Dael, gifts and a good wine in their luggage. Despite all the expected little moments of tension, Pike counts the party as a successful introduction of Dael into his circle of chosen family. In her opening speech, Nat briefly addresses Dael as his partner and makes it clear that she is welcome, so there are astonishingly few stares at her tattoos. Everyone is polite and Dael relaxes markedly over the course of the afternoon.

Farnham had cancelled in advance, and Pike is relieved about it.

When they leave in the night, Tom heartily kisses Dael left and right before she manages to get into the car.

"Hands off, Tom, she's all mine," Pike says amused, then climbs in too after a hug.

"I know," Tom says and leans over the open driver window with a twinkle. "I just wanted to hear you say it."

Dael falls asleep on the way back, curled in her seat with one hand on his knee and the ghost of a smile on her face. Careful not to wake her, Pike angles one of the fresh apples from the backseat and bites into it, feeling thoroughly pleased with his life.

*

It's the day of Dael's last test for the advanced navigation class. It had been a strenuous three weeks of preparation, with her nervously studying day and night. Pike had offered his support at one point, but had to admit defeat over some of the questions. _Damn_, the material seems to get more complex every year. He's retrospectively glad that a captain mostly needs to give orders to more specialized crewmembers. The last shuttle he'd steered himself - _no, not going there_.

So now Pike stands near the building's main entry on this sunny afternoon, waiting for Dael to come out of the test, and he's not the only one. There's a young woman in cadet uniform, and she eyes him with a certain curiosity in her gaze. She's about twenty, shorter than Dael, with long brown hair and a sportive body shape. He walks over to her.

"You're a friend of Dael?" he says, not really asking.

"Yes, sir. Caitleen Barnes, first semester, engineering track. You are her admiral, I assume. Nice meeting you, sir." She salutes, then takes his offered hand. "I was rather surprised when she told me about you…" she starts and then suddenly flounders as if not knowing how to end the sentence.

"I can assure you, most of my friends were just as surprised when I told them about Dael."

The cadet nods, smiling lightly. "I can see that. It's an unusual relationship. Not something everyone will readily accept."

"But you are more open?" Pike can't help asking.

"Well, she made it clear from day one that your person isn't open for discussion," the girl replies. "I could either live with that or not." She gives him a glance. "Took me a little to make up my mind, but now it's fine by me. Sir."

From the corner of his eyes, Pike can see Dael step out of the door and turns to greet her. Dael halts her steps as she recognizes them both, then slowly walks down.

"Dael –" Pike makes that tiny step forward that claims her focus. "How's the test been?"

"Fine." She takes his offered hand and wants to kiss his cheek, but he kisses her fully on the mouth, self-imposed rules be damned. Then he releases her so that she can turn to Caitleen, and he watches them hug and smile.

"I've got to go back to work. See you tonight," he says to Dael, and kisses her once more before he turns and walks away. It's a lie, he had wanted to spend the afternoon with her, but he's not going to make her choose between them. He can graciously grant them some hours as long he knows she'll be home tonight, and he's sure of that. He is. And he's not in the least resentful that she's actually using her freedom while he doesn't manage that right now.

When she comes home just before midnight, relief rolls over him like wave. He fucks her into the mattress missionary style, aware of his need to claim her. There's a light smell of shower gel on her, sweet and female, and he's doing his damndest to lick it away. He wants her, he wants her too fucking much, and it's making his heart hurt.

_I want her not to need me._

Nobody said a word that he shouldn't need her like the very air.

She falls apart under his fingers, and he comes shortly after, reveling in the way his sperm is filling her up before he gets disgusted with himself for the biological program that seems to be running in the back of his head at times, these caveman instincts. While he might be jealous of the time she spends with a woman, it makes him breathless to think that another man would ever have her.

He knows he's in for a tough time when Jim's here.

*

It's a lovely Saturday morning with the sunrays creeping in through the gaps in the sunblind, throwing interesting patterns onto the opposite walls. Pike is awake early, finding himself curled around Dael. For a while, he doesn't move, just listens to her regular breathing pattern. One of these days he wants to go riding with her again, because he really misses the desert, but right now it's too risky, for him and her peace of mind.

With a wistful smile he cautiously slips out of bed to take care of breakfast. It doesn't take long until the table is prepared; new, colorful dishes they'd bought together, crisped-up bagels, butter, honey, sausage, cheese – it reminds Pike of the breakfast routine he used to have with Nat. A lot changed in the meantime, but he still loves breakfast best and it's wonderful to have someone who shares his preference, even though Dael still eats like a sparrow.

As last addition, Pike decides to open the deluxe strawberry jam someone had gifted him with a while ago. He smirks as sudden interesting variations of what he could do with jam on Dael's body come to his mind, and hopes she'll join him soon because the kitchen is much too empty without her. But when he steps onto one normal chair to reach out for the jam on the highest shelf, in nothing but slack pants of course, his brain takes off a beat.

Completely taken by surprise, he crashes hard against the table with his ribcage before he lands on the floor, gnashing his knee caps. The double shock takes his breath away and brings tears of pain to his eyes as he bends over on the ground, the bright red jam spilling out of the broken glass next to him.

"Fuck," he gasps as he finds his voice again. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _

With effort he pulls himself upright again, leaning heavily onto the table. And then he loses it completely, the continuing frustration about his _fucking disaster of a brain_ and the _goddamn falls_ and the way he starts to feel disabled because he _fucking is_ disabled, a cripple who can't even prepare a breakfast table without making a mess. In a violent impulse he sweeps his arm over the whole of the table, sending everything sailing from its top. Dishes and food splatter all over the floor and against the wall, and he feels fucking good until he sees one of the cups, like in slow motion, smashing to a dozen pieces right in front of Dael's naked feet.

When he looks up at her face, there's absolute horror in her eyes.

"Dael -" he starts, but she's gone before he can say another word.

He finds her in the bedroom, where she sits on the floor in the corner farthest away from the door with arms tightly closed around her updrawn knees, her gaze terrified when he walks in.

At times, Pike has wondered what it would take to make her cry. He hadn't thought it might be _him_ who would cause it, and it rattles him in his core. Years of handling terrified cadets hadn't prepared him for dealing with a terrified lover, the way she looks at him right now, wary and distrustful.

"I'm so sorry," he says, voice utmost controlled. "I lost it, because I fell badly. It's got nothing to do with you."

She doesn't answer right away.

"I'm really sorry. I won't do it again, I promise." He sits down on the bed because his legs shake, but not too close to her. She gives him a haunted look, curling a little more into the corner.

"I'm sorry if I reminded you of the past," he says after a while. He wishes she'd told him some details about her father - not that it would've changed much, probably, because smashing things in frustration is not his style to begin with. But maybe it would've given him more of a picture of the particular madness her father must have shown, and he might've chosen another outlet.

"It started with little things," she says tonelessly, wet eyes fixed onto the floor. "Many small, strange things. So slowly that I didn't get it at first. Then I started to understand. But that didn't make things better. I understood he was ill, but I still started to hate him for the things he did. I loved him and hated him at the same time."

Her gaze drifts up to Pike. "I can't deal with that kind of behavior. It makes me want to run away. I couldn't run away then, but I would run now. I can't live through something like that again." She tries to blink a tear away, then unlaces her tight grip on her arms and wipes the wetness from her cheek with one hand. "I don't care what you promise. Words are worth nothing. It's all in the action. I need to know what's waiting behind the door when I come home. I need to know that I can rely on you."

"It's not my usual style to lose it," he says, perfectly hiding his slight annoyance about getting such a speech for one momentary loss of control because he understands where she's coming from, and this isn't the time for discussion. This is only the time to fix the slight damage in the foundation between them, before it could turn into a crack.

"I've got a problem with random falls lately and it makes me tense and starts to dictate my life. I'm sorry that I took it out on things. I never did anything like that before." He captures her gaze, sees a hint of understanding. "Believe me – if you ever feel unsafe or unhappy with me, I want you to leave me. Promise me that you won't stay with me just out of love or some feelings of obligations. You aren't obligated at all. You don't owe me anything. You only owe something yourself and your future."

She chews on her bottom lip.

"Come to me," he says, calm and very gentle. "Please, Dael."

Heaving a shaky breath, she gets up from the floor and onto the bed next to him. He maneuvers them into a stretched-out position, face to face, and pulls a blanket over her cool, slightly shivering body.

"I'm really sorry, Dael. My love." He cradles her, and she buries her face into the crook of his neck, one arm around him.

"I'm sorry for overreacting," she says, her voice muffled and her emotional exhaustion tangible. "I know you normally don't act like that. I've known you for months, you never once… I was really shocked."

"I understand. I mean it, Dael – the day you realize that you'd be better off without me, you've got to leave. Promise me you'd do it."

"I won't promise anything," she mutters. "Don't push me away."

_Just want to make sure you'll always be ready and able to live without me_, Pike thinks.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she inquires.

"Didn't want to make it worse."

He can feel her frown in all of her body. A muffled "_idiot_" reaches his ear before she pulls her head out from underneath his chin to meet his eyes. "You keep saying we're partners. So act accordingly."

"I try."

She shakes her head and leans into the embrace again, muttering something about _men_, and while he doesn't have a sample for women, he fears she might have a point. He holds her until her breathing changes and she falls asleep again, then gets up and cleans the kitchen thoroughly, succeeding in removing everything but some damage that needs to be dealt with professionally. The next morning, he sends for a craftsman and in the evening, there's not a trace of his breakdown left on the wall.

It still takes some time before she's back to her usual ease with him, and he's nudging his aching chest as a reminder that losing her would hurt a lot more than a bruised rib.

*

"I'm sorry, Chris," Nogura says when the old man calls him into his office some days later, and turns his screen towards Pike.

"What's the matter?" Pike asks, then sees the headline. It's a rather long yellow press article, and it features him and Dael. He skims through it

_Scandal at Starfleet Academy? - Admiral (54) takes cadet (20) as lover_

_Young enough to be his daughter. _

_He met her on a low point in his life. _

_What's the secret behind her mysterious tattoos? _

_How much does she really know about him? _

The main image is a badly pasted collage of one of his latest publicity shots and a picture of her in uniform when receiving her Starfleet Medal for Commendation, with the tattoos retroactively manipulated onto her face. There's also an outside shot of his club with its name fully readable, and a snapshot of him and Dael shopping on a weekend, holding hands on the street.

"Starfleet public relations tried to keep it out of the news, but it seems something slipped through," Nogura says, then repeats, "I'm really sorry."

"It's not as if any of it is an outright lie," Pike says evenly. "I knew it would hit the news some day."

"I'm sure it will be all over the Academy soon. You should probably warn her. If she wants to take a few days off…"

"Thanks, Heihachiro, but I doubt she'll accept your offer." Pike smiles a little. "She's been forced to hide for years, she's very determined never to hide again. More determined than I would be, in her position."

"How are you both doing?"

"Fine." Pike's smile deepens as the usual, sweet warmth runs through him just by thinking of her. "Really fine, and this -" he waves his hand at the screen –"won't ruin it."

It doesn't, but there are definitely more people in the admiralty who give him a strange gaze, and some meetings in which discussions abruptly stop when he enters the room. For Dael, it's more well-meaning people who try to talk Dael out of this oh-so-wrong relationship, and more male students who try to hit on her, now that she's come out as bisexual. Compared to his original concerns, the repercussions are still laughable.

They decide to eat together in the officer mess once or twice a week, and he's grateful when he can place his dish on her tray without having to fear another humiliating fall onto his food.

*

Pike loves sucking her dick. It's been one of the best purchases ever, and making her come through it is perfect because this is his home turf, an action where he feels sure what he's doing. It's retractable and she sometimes wears it for clubbing, a bulge in front of her pants. Which is the moment when his knee protectors are the second-best purchase ever.

He talks her into fucking him, once, but it's nothing like expected. Everything feels wrong; she's too cautious, her hands are too small and her hold too weak. He can't get through it on his back because the addition of vulnerable position plus penetration plus her tattoos is too much of an edge play, and when he's on his knees, memories of his lovers creep in and it feels like betraying her. In the end he flips her onto her back and sucks her off, giving up on his own orgasm.

"You sucked a dick that was up your ass," she states a little disgusted when they're done, and doesn't want to get kissed.

"Yes, I did," he admits and puts a kiss on her chest instead, this fabulous chest with these fabulous tattoos. He's used to the doc having the same problem with his action at times, when the man's got too much brain left to think. "I'm sorry for liking it a little dirtier than most. Let's take a shower."

One day, he's going to tell her about his first time, when a fistfight in the barn with the neighbor's son ended with spontaneous making-out in the horse manure.

Or maybe not.

Pike still loves sucking her dick, but when it comes to penetration, he's always on top.

*

A week later an incoming transmission from the _Enterprise_ finds Pike in his office.

"We're coming home to Earth," McCoy states with one of the brightest smile he's seen from the doc in quite a while. "Just for a few days, but that's better than nothing, right?"

"A wonderful surprise," Pike replies, a wave of warmth rushing through him. "When and why?"

"We'll attend a ceremony in a month. We'll send you the final dates once we know them."

From the background, Kirk's voice comes in, "Bones is Starfleet Medical's CMO of the Year!"

"Great news, congratulations," Pike says, amused about the blush on the doc's face.

"I don't know what for, but –"

"You're equally brilliant and modest, doc. I'm sure it's well-earned," Pike waves his lover's insecurity away. "I wanted you on my ship because you were one of the best, even back then, and you've only gotten better over time."

"You tell him," Kirk says a little breathless, as he leans over McCoy's shoulder. "He never believes me."

"It's just never good enough," McCoy says, avoiding Pike's gaze.

"We know, Leonard. Everyone in command shares that feeling," Pike says. "We only can try to give our best, and your best is always amazing." Damn, how much he wants to kiss the doc right now, underlining his pride with some physical token. His lovers need to end the call much too quickly, and it leaves him both with an incredible yearning and an incredible happiness.

When he comes home, he finds Dael on the couch in the living-room, hunched over a PADD. "They'll be here in a month," he says and pulls her up into a tight embrace. She hugs him back.

"Let's celebrate." He drags her into the bedroom, using his overflowing heart - damn, when did he start thinking in poetic terms? - to show her how much he loves her and possibly the whole damn universe right now.

Two days later, Pike makes a cam recording, hot and dirty, in which he tells McCoy very explicitly all the ways he's going to fuck him six ways from Sunday, before telling him in just as many details how much his ass is waiting for McCoy's dick. When Pike's spurting come accidentally hits the cam lens, it makes for the perfect ending of the recording.

"Miss you too," is all McCoy replies, and it's a sweet, sweet revenge.

*

In bed, he's _Christopher_, sweet and hot and hers. Outside of it, he's always _the admiral_, even with Kirk and McCoy.

"The admiral told me you'll be on Earth in a month," she says in a real-time chat with Jim a few days later, folded in the chair in front of her personal console. Pike shouldn't stand hidden outside the door to listen, but he can't bring himself to walk away.

"My Advanced Flight II class on Saturn starts soon but I should be back in time," she adds, and he can hear Jim's laughter.

"Knowing Chris, he'd personally change the Academy schedule, if need be."

"I guess he would," she agrees.

"I'm looking forward to meeting you, Dael," Kirk says. "The four of us together – it will be awesome."

"I'm looking forward to meeting you too," she says, a little reserved.

Kirk laughs again. "Don't be nervous. Between three command track people, we should be able to find a good solution for everything. And if we don't, we've got a man with a hypo with us."

_As if they invented a hypo against the wrong emotions yet_, Pike thinks wryly and then moves away from the door because his guilty conscience catches up with him.

*

It's not one of Pike's best days today, and on top of it, he's still in the office at 2202. When he sees her incoming call, he answers it in the blink of an eye, more than glad for the interruption.

"We've got a date," Dael says without introduction.

"Do we?" he says, amused about the obvious order in her voice.

"2300, in the park behind building Alpha Delta Three. You know what I mean?"

"Of course."

"Don't be late," she says and hangs up.

The night is a little cool but not cold, and he deeply inhales the fresh air as he walks over to the appointed place an hour later. He's rarely been in that particular corner of the Academy grounds, but he knows the park is often used as a kind of impromptu sports ground by the students. At this time, it is empty and largely dark, only a few streetlamps illuminating the pathways between the trees. Her figure is lingering in the shadows, almost invisible. When she sees him, she walks out to meet him on the way.

"Where are we going?" he asks.

"It's a surprise," she says easily, and he follows her into the park. When she stops, he looks around. There are faint lines in the air, barely visible in the shady light that drifts from the path to this area.

"Ropes?" he says.

"Almost. They've built a slacklining corner here lately. The ground is rather soft, and the webbings are at hip height. It's fun and surprisingly easy."

"Dael…" Pike swallows. He would have loved to try in the past, but when he sees the ropes, all that comes to his mind right now are all the endless warnings of his doctors and the number that's become a constant, _eighty-two percent of the former motor skills_.

"You can only fall down," Dael says. "It can't get worse than that." She lifts his hand to her lips, pressing a kiss on it. "I'll hold you."

Of course she couldn't hold him if he really fell. Of course it could get worse if he fell in some stupid way, and his former luck has certainly run out with the Narada. But how do they say – it's the thought that counts?

And of course, he's become the master of falling and getting up again.

When he pulls away, it earns him a strange look from her, but he only strips out of his coat and puts it aside, together with his briefcase. He walks up to the closest, flat rope that's tied between two large trees, and lifts one foot to test its behavior and strain. It moves a little, but not as much as he had thought it would.

"Some are looser, but then they've got more of a trampoline effect," Dael says next to him. "I think this is one of the best."

"Give me a hand?" he asks and she holds his as he puts the weight on the foot that's already on the rope. Getting his other foot up there is all about being quick and determined, so he goes ahead and is suddenly up on the teetering rope – and just as suddenly down on the ground again, tumbling from the jump, but at least avoiding a fall.

"Once again," he says and puts his right foot on the rope once more. He's been a little too quick in shifting his weight – he definitely could do better. Taking a deep breath, he pulls up his second leg next to the other. The rope swings and his legs shake a little, but he manages to make two cautious steps before he loses his balance again.

He doesn't say anything when he gets up again, not needing her hold at all times but glad that she's always walking next to him, illogical as it is because if he fell, he'd probably just land on her. It feels like forever until he makes the length of the not very long rope, up and down and up again, pushing himself to his limits.

"Great idea," he mutters when he leans against her at last, both feet back on the ground but barely able to keep upright, thoroughly bathed in sweat. "Thank you so much." He kisses her. "And thanks for the perfect timing. It wouldn't do if anyone saw an admiral falling down this damn rope all night."

"Nobody but me," she agrees.

In the distance, he can see one of the digital clocks - it's 0108 and they both have a long day tomorrow. He withdraws to pick up his coat and briefcase. "Let's go home," he says and whips out his communicator. "Two to beam out. Coordinates are…"

"Abusing your admiral privileges?" Dael says with one risen brow when they materialize in front of their apartment block a minute later.

"Actually, this point-to-point beam account comes with my new disability classification as of today," Pike replies, and while he tries to sound matter-of-factly, he's sure she can hear the defeat underneath. He'd tried hard to avoid getting that terrible tag but Starfleet had insisted on updating his profile for various bureaucratic reasons.

_"It's not the end of the world,"_ the doc had said in their last chat. _"If your health improves, it'll get removed again." _

It may not be the end of the world, but it has taken a surprisingly large bite from Pike's hope that his mobility would get completely restored in the near – or even far - future.

Dael's hand finds his again, their fingers lacing before their gazes meet. There's always empathy but never pity in her eyes, and he loves her more for it every day.

"Then I guess we should go slacklining at midnight more often," she says simply.

Only twenty days until Jim and the doc will be on Earth.


End file.
